My Best, True Scary Camp Story

 This really did happen to me.  The year was 2019 and I was just starting out in the camping hobby. I was alone, and I wasn't scared. At all.  I should have been.  

The people I was supposed to go with ditched and never showed up. So, I decided I would strike out on my own. I left the mountain (Mt. Diablo in Northern California) and went down to the lowland, around the river and foothills.

It was a regular campground although it was a little too well used. The website said "here's spot # whatever." So that's where I parked. There were several cars and trucks in the site, and the people were all minding their own business, doing what campers generally do, having a great time.

On the spur next to mine, was a white, dilapidated pickup with a camper shell on the back. The tall kind. The truck itself had last been registered in 1978. I didn't really think much of it. You see that a lot here in this area. Lots of folks live off grid, or in the back country in the desert. It's not unusual.

Anyway, it was almost dark and I was unpacking and busily scurrying around trying to get everything set up so I could start my very first, very own campfire. I had a few hotdogs in my car to eat with a side of guacamole and chips from Del Taco in the last town (Truckee).

This was my actual tent, that I used that day.  It was a Liberty Trail 3 giga tent that lasted approximately 8 hours. In other words, it had no brand and I bought it at Walmart.  I threw it away and bought an Ozark Trail.  That one lasted 4 days.  

Finally, I bought a Night Cat tent and it has been love ever since.

From the corner of my eye, I saw that the camper shell seriously tilted to one side as a scruffy looking older man stepped down onto the ground. He was really tall compared to me - perhaps 6'5. He was skinny. He was white. I didn't think much of that either because we have "all kinds" in this area. No one really judges anyone else , least of all me.

He was wearing jeans, and some kind of old t shirt and something like a plaid over shirt. His hair was wispy, scraggly, and grey.

He was standing there, about 20 - 30 feet away. It seemed like it was so fast, and he plopped down in MY chair, next to MY picnic table, in MY campsite. I'm still about 15 feet away and not very threatening to say the least. I'm about 4'11.

So now, I'm thinking "wait a minute - let me process this shit" as Sam Jackson would say. I don't like this at all. Not at all.

"That's a nice hammer you have...." His voice was like MadDog 20/20 mixed with a little boilermaker of Hennessy and Pabst beer, scraping over granite ice cubes.

It's dark. I can barely see anything with my glasses on but my INFJ senses are out in full blazing flame for those with eyes to see, and I'm reading his mind. (It's an INFJ thing). There was no way for me to run fast enough when he reached for the hammer and grabbed it, holding it up for me to see that he had it.

So I did what any normal, middle aged woman with few options would do: I pulled my taser and let off a few sparks. (It was all I had.) He ran to his truck pissing himself the whole way, and yelling that I was an "offender". He was screaming bloody murder.

I was terrified myself, because of myself. I didn't know I could be that cold and calculated, but my knees were knocking together the whole time. I was just surprised at how clear headed I was and how clear my thoughts seemed to be.

A few men heard the commotion and ran over to my site to help me, and to chase the man off. Yelling and obscenties flying in my defense. I was grateful to them. One of them gave me a side-hug and told me to come with them to their camp for awhile, so that his wife could take care of me.

Our villain finally got his truck started and tore out of the campground. The pavement actually cracked in the heat. I called the Sheriff to report that he stole my hammer and menaced me with it.

Deputy Jones was a perfect gentleman and spent over an hour talking with me and calming me down. He told me funny camp stories. But he also told me something chilling: they would never catch the guy because the homeless were being forced into campgrounds and the BLM (wild lands) due to a lack of services for them in the city and most of them were drug-addled.

He stuck around for a long time and helped me finish putting up my tent. I didn't sleep in it that night. I slept in the back of my SUV with the doors firmly locked.

Before I went to sleep, the kind people who came to my help, fed me and gave me lots of decaf tea, to help me rest. They were truly kind.

I will never forget the lesson. And someday, I will be camping with my cat and my new dog. Not only that, but I know now, how to pay it forward. I will always come running to the help of any camper in trouble. We are never alone. We are always surrounded by good people of all kinds.

Cheap Camping Hacks

The first thing to do is to lower your expectations.  None of these will work as well as the real thing.  But you can "get by" with them and hopefully, they will make your camp life a little easier for at least a couple of days.

Cowboy Cooler

You will need:

• A small styrofoam cooler
• A small plastic tote box 7 gal works pretty well.  OR; 
• an insulated bag.
• Garbage bag
• Towels

1.  Place the garbage bag inside the styrofoam cooler and then place the whole thing inside your tote.

2.  Begin stuffing towels between the cooler and tote on the inside, all the way around.

3.  Fill with stuff and ice.  Keep the lids on or in the case of a bag, zipped up.

   

It should keep for at least two days.

Cowboy Phone Charger

Now, I can't take credit for this.  But I remembered reading about it and it does work.  I've tried it.  You can charge your phone in an emergency with a 9 volt battery, so always keep one and a clickable ball point pen, duct tape, a little aluminum foil and a house key, in your car.

Here's an article that talks about it:

https://defiel.com/how-to-charge-a-phone-with-a-9v-battery/

Failing that, I recommend you get a solar powered phone charger.  I have used them with great success while camping.  You can keep it charged simply by leaving it in the sun.  Mine cost about $14 on sale from Amazon aka The Big A.

Cowboy Fire Starter

This one actually works better than you would expect.  Dip cotton balls into vaseline.  Cover them completely.  The trick is to use 100 percent cotton balls, not the fake ones made of whatever that awful stuff is.

Cowboy Boot and Shoe Hack

For those of us who don't appreciate things that slither and crawl, this is absolutely necessary.  Out here in the west, it's not just about bugs and spiders.  It's about scorpions.  A sting from one these little beasties and you will be flat for a week.

Cowboys would often use sticks put in the ground vertically and put their boots on top of them upside down, to prevent creepy crawlies from getting inside while they were sleeping.  It's not foolproof but it does seem to work. You could use tent stakes.

 Here's a more fool-proof method.

Use dirty socks from your first day that you won't wear again, and put your shoes inside them.  Make sure they are completely covered.  Voila.  No more creepies inside your shoes. This way, you can also keep them in your tent without tracking rocks, mud and other dirt in.

Fix Your Tent Zipper

With soap.  Take a dry bar of soap, and rub it along the zipper.  Make sure it's completely covered, and then try again.  zzzzzzzzzzzzip!  :)

Cowboy Camp Stove

Can't afford a camp stove and fuel?   No problem!  You can make one from a tuna can or any short similar size can and 4 cheap tent stakes (good thing you saved those cheapies that came with your tent).  This does require a beer or something nice to drink.

•   Empty and eat the contents.  Have a sandwich! :)  If you are afraid of eating tuna due to mercury content, for the love of God, give it to a starving cat.
• Here is a picture of a starving cat:

• Take off the wrapping on it.  (the can, not your sandwich.)
• Fill with alcohol and cotton ball firestarter or anything else that will burn.
• Place tent stakes in the dirt, standing up with the curved end inward, all the way around the tin in the center
• Don't hurt yourself - check yourself for cuts and bruises, to make sure you are okay to proceed. Now is the time to relax and have a beer or wine cooler.
• Light the fire in the can.
• Place your pan on top of the tent stakes and cook.  

Snake Rounds And Snake Bite aka Stop Being Stupid

I am the person who is sitting on the edge of your campsite, quiet, and reserved.  I don't offer my opinion until and only if I am asked.  But sometimes there are times when someone has to speak up.  

I hate to talk about this but out here where I live, rattlesnakes are a real danger to everyone. They are plentiful, and help is most often far enough away that it makes sense to just be prepared.  I'm not telling anyone to kill them.  But there are too many yahoos with guns out there using full rounds.

I am suggesting that you speak to a gun smith about snake rounds and have a separate, different gun available for this purpose only, loaded with those rounds.

If you're going to do it, do it right and don't pose a danger to yourself and others.  Using full rounds on a snake is dangerous and ill-advised.  Ask for snake rounds.  I would much rather that a child or anyone live to tell their tale and possibly face fines or whatever myself, than to have a person die on my watch for lack of preparation.  Do not use regular rounds.  Use only snake shot.  And for God's sake take a safety course of some kind and stop running around like a redneck waving firearms like a shield of honor.  It's not.

Now, for the real stuff on snake bites.  Don't cut into it, don't use a tourniquet, and for the love of God, don't "suck it out" with your mouth! This is the year 2024.  Do NOT use a venom pump or extractor.  It is best to simply get the person to civilization as fast as possible.   More, expert information on snake bites and how to survive one, is here:  https://www.snakebitefoundation.org/blog/2018/9/6/how-to-survive-a-snakebite-in-the-wilderness

Out here, that means driving the highway at over 100 mph, and if you get stopped, explain the situation.  The cops will help you and drive you to the nearest hospital.  This is no time to start talking about defunding the police.  

Do not try to catch the snake that bit you.  It's stupid.  Just tell them it was a rattlesnake.  

Where I live, if you get bit by one of these fellers, you had to really work at it and deserve it.  But regardless of who is at fault, don't be stupid. Get yourself to a hospital.  

Great Basin Rattlesnake, the most common where I live.

Photo By Morgan Hansen 

Old cowboys tell the truth....

 

A Great Basin Rattlesnake aka A Nope-Rope

Photo By Morgan Hansen 

Start paying attention because there's a lot of wisdom in what old people say.  Many years ago, before I was even interested in camping, an old-timer Cowboy told me:  Put a length of rough rope around you to get rid of snakes.  The theory is, that the rougher the rope, the less snakes like it.  It deters them when they try to slither over it. 

I lived in the desert at the time, down in Arizona,  and this guy was a little boy when the Cochise Gang (loosely, very loosely friends and comrades of Butch Cassidy's Wild Bunch)  and the Clanton Gang rode through town and shot everything up, especially the bank, and the saloon, in that order. 

That was also true! I looked it up at the library and there was his name under his photo.  I decided then and there, that it's sometimes a serious sin to doubt old people.  

Two members of the Clanton Gang, circa 1888.  

Pictured here:  Okeechobee Clanton and William “Curly Bill” Brochius.

So, I remembered him recently on a trip.  I looked over to my left and happened to see a harmless gopher snake.  (They're everywhere around here, and non-venomous.  They're good to have around actually, and eat pests, but I still don't like snakes and definitely do not want to sleep with any.)  

 Then I remembered that old timer and also that I happened to have 4 lengths of 9.5 feet of craft rope at home.  It's completely scratchy and awful and it's supposed to be that way to look rustic.  I had purchased it for a craft project I later abandoned. I bought it at the dollar store.  Yes, $1.25 each bundle.  

I decided to tie the lengths together to make an anti-snake rope for my next trip.   I will report back on my results.

 Four lengths of it, at 9.5 feet, made approximately 37 feet of usable length of rope for $5.  That's enough to go around my tent.  Twice. Almost 3 times.  Perfect.

Here it is:

Git to it, greenhorn!  :)